Last night, after work, I went and picked up one of my very best friends, H. She's been my friend since I was a hell-raising high schooler, and although she's a couple years younger than me, we've always had a sisterly bond. She came over to keep me company while I packed, and I rewarded her with a bottle of red wine. After the bottle had been emptied, during what she referred to later as "buzzed introspection", she said that she felt like something was missing in her life or that she was waiting for something to happen, and asked if I knew what she meant and if I'd ever felt that way. I had a revelation in that moment, and I said to her, "I don't think that there's anything missing, I don't think that there's a gaping hole that needs to be filled. I think that our brains or souls, or whatever you want to call them, give us this feeling of pain and emptiness as a motivation. It's motivation to get off our asses and go out there and look for whatever it is that we think is missing, and it's not finding the "thing" that fulfills us, it's the journey of searching that fulfills us." In a rush of my own introspection, I wondered if I had made any sense or if I was just babbling about it, but I'm still thinking about what I said. I think I said what I did because of what I've experienced in my life. When I left home for college, I was absolutely certain that within the next 4 years, I would find my purpose in life, and that I would magically transform from a girl into a woman, much like Cinderella's pumpkin magically turns into a carriage. I didn't know exactly what would happen, but damn was I excited! As I progressed through almost 5 years of college and 6-7 majors, I could feel myself changing but I wasn't sure what I was changing into. I seemed to be in a constant state of transition, but being a college student meant that I didn't really have time to look and see what I was becoming, nor did I really even know how to define it if I did look.
It's been about 8 months since I ran out of money for school. Of course I'm anxious to go back as soon as I can, but this break from school has given me some much-needed time for self-reflection. Looking back at those critical years after high school, I can see all the changes that I made and at what points they happened. I had absolutely no idea at the time that they were happening, or that the moment I was living was going to be so impactful later on. I did change from a girl to a woman, about that I was correct. But there was nothing "big" to look back on. No great, definitive moment that changed me forever. There were a series of moments. A series of tears, broken hearts, parties, failed quizzes and A+ classes. Months of barely making rent, drinking Carlo De Rossi sangria out of plastic cups, and eating Cup of Noodles because it was all I could afford the week before my paycheck. Through those experiences I learned perseverance. I learned strengh, even when I'm breaking apart. I learned that I believe I'm beautiful because that's what I believe, not because it's what someone told me. I learned how to be independent, and that sometimes that means calling my mom. I learned that life is expensive, but I've never paid a dime for the best times in my life. I know now that I will never fully understand men, but that I only really need to understand myself. I acknowledge that some of the best things that have ever happened to me came in the form of almost unbearable, excruciating pain. I discovered that I have a passion for life, and it doesn't necessarily have to have a direction all the time, or that it can have multiple directions at once. And I've learned that I will never, ever be a person who defines themselves based on their career, or how other people perceive me. I have encountered every person, challenge, sadness and joy for a reason.
Some of these things are things that I wanted to learn, and some were things that I needed to learn, but all of them came on their own. I didn't know I was learning them while it was happening. I was only aware of the qualities after I'd already obtained them.
All of these things have led me to the life I'm leading today. I feel blessed to hold the knowledge that I do, and I know that it was all of these things, these lessons, these trials and tribulations that molded me (along with the priceless guidance of my amazing family, the support network of my incredible and inspiring friends, and most recently the love of an amazing man). Sometimes I feel so lucky I can barely stand it, and there are times when I honestly believe that something has to go wrong because it's too good to be true. But then I realize that something already has gone wrong. A million and a half things have gone wrong, and that's okay. Cinderella wouldn't have been Cinderella without all the awful shit that she went through. I would not be the person I am today without all that I've experienced, and I'm so glad that I went through it all because I now have a really incredible life; a great family, awesome friends and an incredible partner in life.
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