Yesterday, J woke up with a fever, nausea and digestive issues to beat the band. We considered the usual - the flu, a spider bite, etc... He ate nothing but 4 saltine crackers all day, and he couldn't even keep that down. He slept almost the entire day. By 9:30pm, he was almost unable to walk and his fever had hit nearly 101. He made the decision to have me take him to the emergency room. We hurried there, and waited for about half an hour before they called him back. The first temperature measure at the hospital had him reading over 103 degrees. I began to feel very afraid.
J has been diagnosed with hypokalemia in the past. Hypokalemia is linked to potassium, blood sugar and hydration. When he gets too dehydrated, all of these levels drop dangerously low. If it gets bad, he loses the functioning of his hands, eventually he will black out, then his arms will become paralyzed against his chest in what they call "preying mantis arms". It can be fatal if not treated promptly. The ER was extremely busy. When the finally allowed us to come back into the Emergency Department out of the lobby, the only place they had for him was a bed in the hallway. Due to his dehydration, the nurse had an impossible time finding veins in his arm to get blood from and put an IV into. She dug around, and eventually called over another nurse to help her find one. As they continued to search, he became even more dehydrated. His hands had become white, they were ice cold and he could barely make a fist. He told me that he could feel what was happening next - he would black out in a matter of minutes without fluids. Unfortunately he couldn't hold anything down, so drinking water wasn't an option. He needed the IV right away. Within a minute, they had wheeled him into a recently-emptied room and hooked him to an IV as I snapped at the nurse to please hurry. By the time he got the IV it was after 11pm.
2.5 liters of IV fluids, 2 cups of ice chips, 4 blood draws, countless blood tests and 2 samples later, it was after 2am. The doctor came in an stated that his lactate levels were high. He explained that lactate is the chemical that builds up when you overwork your muscles, but it can accumulate in areas that blood is rushing to due to an infection. His lactate levels were very high, and the doctor said he wanted to test his blood again to check them again. If they weren't lower than they had been at the start of the visit, he would be staying the night. Another blood sample was taken and then we were left in the room alone again. Just me, J, and our fear. He told me it was the longest time that he'd been in the hospital that he could remember, and that he was scared of what might be wrong. I told him I was scared too, and teared up. We were finally discharged after 4am.
As I watched this man that I love so much laying in a little uncomfortable bed, I could't believe how afraid I was that something was seriously wrong with him. I realized that I'm terrified of him being sick, or experiencing any pain or discomfort or sadness of any kind. I wished desperately that it was me laying in that bed, going through the anxiety and pain. I realized that this is a part of marriage that I had signed on for, that I hadn't even considered when I'd said yes to his proposal. Of course I wouldn't change it. Of course I would take on all the illness in the world if it meant spending it with J. Most significantly, I realized that I would gladly spend as much time as I had to sitting in uncomfortable hospital chairs, breathing too-sterilized hospital air for as many hours and days as I had to, because that's how much I love him. I would sit and hold his hand and bother the nurses as much as I had to to make sure that he got the best of care and the most comfort possible. One of the things marriage means to me: Suffering when the one you love is suffering, and staying glued to their side as long as it takes for them to feel even the slightest bit better. It means wishing it was you that was suffering, not them. It means putting aside your wants as long as necessary, just so that they feel better, even if it's just by a little. It means being for them what you would want them to be for you if you were in that situation.
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