Tuesday, August 30, 2011
A Tolerant Love...
My terrorist little furball is currently laying on the floor, chewing on a beef knuckle-bone and zoning out the rest of the world. I never thought I would love something so much that I could get so mad at. About 2 weeks ago, our darling Huck dug two good-sized holes in the yard. I filled them the best that I could, and we were hoping that the yard would reclaim that space and the grass would grow again. Monday morning, J informed me that Huck had re-dug the holes that I had filled. I was sooooo frustrated. Then this morning I saw that he had dug a whole NEW hole in the yard in addition to the two he had already dug!! I was even MORE angry then!! But sure enough, when I got home, he was just as happy as he always is to see me. He came bouncing out of his kennel full of love and tail-wags for me, all smiles and licks! And tonight he's been so full of energy that he drug me out of my nasty work mood. I'm in the midst of a very tolerant love...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
September 14, 2012
That's it. That's the date. That's THE date. That's THE DATE. That's the date J and I set for our wedding. Once we decided, I swore I could hear a clock ticking somewhere in the back of my brain, or that announcer-guy-voice shouting "And they're off!!"
It seems so surreal, possibly because it's more than a year away. But it's for-sure set. We put the deposit down on the winery (Sawtooth Winery) for that day. I can't believe it. Actually, it's quite believable, but our lives have been so hectic since we got engaged (two engagement parties and buying a house will do that...) that I don't think I really ever had time to consider the fact that the day would actually come some day. I mean, sure... I've fantasized about walking down a grassy aisle wearing a dream-worthy dress and standing next to J at the end of it. I've imagined popping bubbly with my family and friends and celebrating our wedding. I've never doubted that I wanted to marry J, ever... but wanting to get married and planning your wedding - ESPECIALLY after setting the official date and putting a deposit down on a venue - are two extremely different sensations! Both beautiful, both fun and exciting, but one is definitely more intense than the other.
It seems like the more I delve into the planning process the more I discover things that must be done.... It's like a labyrinth of dresses and cakes and favors and food and bridesmaids dresses and tuxedos..... I could go on and on. Becoming a bridezilla is my worst fear, but in some sick, twisted sense I can see how it could happen. Especially considering the fact nobody cares more about your wedding than you (and if you're lucky like me, your fiance). I can definitely see how time consuming this is going to be, and at this point, I'm just trying to get organized and prepare myself.
J and I have come up with a very cute idea for favors for the wedding... From the beginning I've wanted to do something home-made and edible for the favors, something comfort-food-ish. Originally I was planning on putting together Chinese take-out boxes with homemade cookies inside, but then I was honest with myself and realized that I would have to bake literally hundreds of cookies in order for that to work. That's not exactly what I had in mind for keeping myself stress-free the week before the wedding - I'm already going to have enough on my plate! I was talking about this to J, and we came up with a great idea... Cookie Jars!! No...not the jars that sit on the counter at your grandmother's house and hold cookies... I'm talking about cookie recipe jars. You know...the jars that you usually get around Christmas time that have the dry ingredients for a cookie recipe in them, and a recipe attached? Those!! We got online and found a few different cookie and brownie recipes and we're both really excited about the idea! The great part? Because the items inside the jar won't spoil, and the jar is air-tight, we can make them a bit at a time all year long!! It will be so much less stressful as we get nearer to the wedding! Plus we can do different recipes and we can style the jars up with cute fabrics, ribbons and monogrammed labels! :) I'm really excited about this idea and I can't wait to get started on them to see what they look like outside of my imagination!!
But for today, I'm laying aside the wedding planning... We accomplished something really huge by reserving the venue, so tonight J and I are going to the fair. Greasy fair food and some much-needed wandering in the sun should flush any wedding stress I'm currently experiencing...
It seems so surreal, possibly because it's more than a year away. But it's for-sure set. We put the deposit down on the winery (Sawtooth Winery) for that day. I can't believe it. Actually, it's quite believable, but our lives have been so hectic since we got engaged (two engagement parties and buying a house will do that...) that I don't think I really ever had time to consider the fact that the day would actually come some day. I mean, sure... I've fantasized about walking down a grassy aisle wearing a dream-worthy dress and standing next to J at the end of it. I've imagined popping bubbly with my family and friends and celebrating our wedding. I've never doubted that I wanted to marry J, ever... but wanting to get married and planning your wedding - ESPECIALLY after setting the official date and putting a deposit down on a venue - are two extremely different sensations! Both beautiful, both fun and exciting, but one is definitely more intense than the other.
It seems like the more I delve into the planning process the more I discover things that must be done.... It's like a labyrinth of dresses and cakes and favors and food and bridesmaids dresses and tuxedos..... I could go on and on. Becoming a bridezilla is my worst fear, but in some sick, twisted sense I can see how it could happen. Especially considering the fact nobody cares more about your wedding than you (and if you're lucky like me, your fiance). I can definitely see how time consuming this is going to be, and at this point, I'm just trying to get organized and prepare myself.
J and I have come up with a very cute idea for favors for the wedding... From the beginning I've wanted to do something home-made and edible for the favors, something comfort-food-ish. Originally I was planning on putting together Chinese take-out boxes with homemade cookies inside, but then I was honest with myself and realized that I would have to bake literally hundreds of cookies in order for that to work. That's not exactly what I had in mind for keeping myself stress-free the week before the wedding - I'm already going to have enough on my plate! I was talking about this to J, and we came up with a great idea... Cookie Jars!! No...not the jars that sit on the counter at your grandmother's house and hold cookies... I'm talking about cookie recipe jars. You know...the jars that you usually get around Christmas time that have the dry ingredients for a cookie recipe in them, and a recipe attached? Those!! We got online and found a few different cookie and brownie recipes and we're both really excited about the idea! The great part? Because the items inside the jar won't spoil, and the jar is air-tight, we can make them a bit at a time all year long!! It will be so much less stressful as we get nearer to the wedding! Plus we can do different recipes and we can style the jars up with cute fabrics, ribbons and monogrammed labels! :) I'm really excited about this idea and I can't wait to get started on them to see what they look like outside of my imagination!!
But for today, I'm laying aside the wedding planning... We accomplished something really huge by reserving the venue, so tonight J and I are going to the fair. Greasy fair food and some much-needed wandering in the sun should flush any wedding stress I'm currently experiencing...
Monday, August 22, 2011
In Sickness and In Health...
Yesterday, J woke up with a fever, nausea and digestive issues to beat the band. We considered the usual - the flu, a spider bite, etc... He ate nothing but 4 saltine crackers all day, and he couldn't even keep that down. He slept almost the entire day. By 9:30pm, he was almost unable to walk and his fever had hit nearly 101. He made the decision to have me take him to the emergency room. We hurried there, and waited for about half an hour before they called him back. The first temperature measure at the hospital had him reading over 103 degrees. I began to feel very afraid.
J has been diagnosed with hypokalemia in the past. Hypokalemia is linked to potassium, blood sugar and hydration. When he gets too dehydrated, all of these levels drop dangerously low. If it gets bad, he loses the functioning of his hands, eventually he will black out, then his arms will become paralyzed against his chest in what they call "preying mantis arms". It can be fatal if not treated promptly. The ER was extremely busy. When the finally allowed us to come back into the Emergency Department out of the lobby, the only place they had for him was a bed in the hallway. Due to his dehydration, the nurse had an impossible time finding veins in his arm to get blood from and put an IV into. She dug around, and eventually called over another nurse to help her find one. As they continued to search, he became even more dehydrated. His hands had become white, they were ice cold and he could barely make a fist. He told me that he could feel what was happening next - he would black out in a matter of minutes without fluids. Unfortunately he couldn't hold anything down, so drinking water wasn't an option. He needed the IV right away. Within a minute, they had wheeled him into a recently-emptied room and hooked him to an IV as I snapped at the nurse to please hurry. By the time he got the IV it was after 11pm.
2.5 liters of IV fluids, 2 cups of ice chips, 4 blood draws, countless blood tests and 2 samples later, it was after 2am. The doctor came in an stated that his lactate levels were high. He explained that lactate is the chemical that builds up when you overwork your muscles, but it can accumulate in areas that blood is rushing to due to an infection. His lactate levels were very high, and the doctor said he wanted to test his blood again to check them again. If they weren't lower than they had been at the start of the visit, he would be staying the night. Another blood sample was taken and then we were left in the room alone again. Just me, J, and our fear. He told me it was the longest time that he'd been in the hospital that he could remember, and that he was scared of what might be wrong. I told him I was scared too, and teared up. We were finally discharged after 4am.
As I watched this man that I love so much laying in a little uncomfortable bed, I could't believe how afraid I was that something was seriously wrong with him. I realized that I'm terrified of him being sick, or experiencing any pain or discomfort or sadness of any kind. I wished desperately that it was me laying in that bed, going through the anxiety and pain. I realized that this is a part of marriage that I had signed on for, that I hadn't even considered when I'd said yes to his proposal. Of course I wouldn't change it. Of course I would take on all the illness in the world if it meant spending it with J. Most significantly, I realized that I would gladly spend as much time as I had to sitting in uncomfortable hospital chairs, breathing too-sterilized hospital air for as many hours and days as I had to, because that's how much I love him. I would sit and hold his hand and bother the nurses as much as I had to to make sure that he got the best of care and the most comfort possible. One of the things marriage means to me: Suffering when the one you love is suffering, and staying glued to their side as long as it takes for them to feel even the slightest bit better. It means wishing it was you that was suffering, not them. It means putting aside your wants as long as necessary, just so that they feel better, even if it's just by a little. It means being for them what you would want them to be for you if you were in that situation.
J has been diagnosed with hypokalemia in the past. Hypokalemia is linked to potassium, blood sugar and hydration. When he gets too dehydrated, all of these levels drop dangerously low. If it gets bad, he loses the functioning of his hands, eventually he will black out, then his arms will become paralyzed against his chest in what they call "preying mantis arms". It can be fatal if not treated promptly. The ER was extremely busy. When the finally allowed us to come back into the Emergency Department out of the lobby, the only place they had for him was a bed in the hallway. Due to his dehydration, the nurse had an impossible time finding veins in his arm to get blood from and put an IV into. She dug around, and eventually called over another nurse to help her find one. As they continued to search, he became even more dehydrated. His hands had become white, they were ice cold and he could barely make a fist. He told me that he could feel what was happening next - he would black out in a matter of minutes without fluids. Unfortunately he couldn't hold anything down, so drinking water wasn't an option. He needed the IV right away. Within a minute, they had wheeled him into a recently-emptied room and hooked him to an IV as I snapped at the nurse to please hurry. By the time he got the IV it was after 11pm.
2.5 liters of IV fluids, 2 cups of ice chips, 4 blood draws, countless blood tests and 2 samples later, it was after 2am. The doctor came in an stated that his lactate levels were high. He explained that lactate is the chemical that builds up when you overwork your muscles, but it can accumulate in areas that blood is rushing to due to an infection. His lactate levels were very high, and the doctor said he wanted to test his blood again to check them again. If they weren't lower than they had been at the start of the visit, he would be staying the night. Another blood sample was taken and then we were left in the room alone again. Just me, J, and our fear. He told me it was the longest time that he'd been in the hospital that he could remember, and that he was scared of what might be wrong. I told him I was scared too, and teared up. We were finally discharged after 4am.
As I watched this man that I love so much laying in a little uncomfortable bed, I could't believe how afraid I was that something was seriously wrong with him. I realized that I'm terrified of him being sick, or experiencing any pain or discomfort or sadness of any kind. I wished desperately that it was me laying in that bed, going through the anxiety and pain. I realized that this is a part of marriage that I had signed on for, that I hadn't even considered when I'd said yes to his proposal. Of course I wouldn't change it. Of course I would take on all the illness in the world if it meant spending it with J. Most significantly, I realized that I would gladly spend as much time as I had to sitting in uncomfortable hospital chairs, breathing too-sterilized hospital air for as many hours and days as I had to, because that's how much I love him. I would sit and hold his hand and bother the nurses as much as I had to to make sure that he got the best of care and the most comfort possible. One of the things marriage means to me: Suffering when the one you love is suffering, and staying glued to their side as long as it takes for them to feel even the slightest bit better. It means wishing it was you that was suffering, not them. It means putting aside your wants as long as necessary, just so that they feel better, even if it's just by a little. It means being for them what you would want them to be for you if you were in that situation.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
The Cone of Doom...
On Thursday, J told me that he had spotted a large black lump under the skin on Huck's belly, right where his testicles should be. We both immediately panicked. In a fear that it was an undescended testicle or a tumor, we called our veterinary hospital in a rush. We scheduled him for an exam, and thought that while he's there he may as well get the whole kit-n-caboodle, so we also scheduled a neuter, vaccinations and a microchipping. Yesterday we arrived at the hospital at 8:00 a.m., and walked him into the lobby. He was shaking with fear and refused to walk anywhere with the nurse. When we finally got him to go with her to the examination room, she said that the vet had checked quickly and stated that the black lump was simple the color of his skin over his testicle and there was no reason to worry. Both extremely relieved, we left him there to undergo his procedures. We were instructed to return between 4:30 and 5:30 in the afternoon to pick him up. When we picked him up, they told us that everything had gone fine. With new tags indicating that he had a microchip, that he had a rabies vaccine and that he was licensed with Ada County, a small bottle of animal ibuprofen, and a cone to put on him later, we headed home. We'd been so worried about him, we were just happy to have him back home and healthy.
By midnight last night, his anesthesia from the surgery had worn off and he was experiencing some major anxiety, agitation and pain. He was bouncing all over the place sitting for a few seconds before moving a foot and sitting again. He was inconsolable and the cone was only making it worse. He wouldn't stop crying!! I finally broke down and called a 24-hour vet clinic to ask them if there was anything more I could do for him. The woman on the other end of the line told me that the anxiety was being caused both by the cone and by the anesthesia wearing off. She stated that he was awake but very disoriented, and that was making the cone seem all the more frightening. There was nothing else to be done but comfort him and let him work it out. We were worried that he would lick his stitches if we took the cone off, but we knew for certain that neither of us would get any sleep if we kept the cone on, as he would cry through the entire night. I had to work at 7:30 this morning, and I would be teaching an 8-hour class, so not getting any sleep was NOT an option for me. J, being the wonderful, considerate fiance that he is, volunteered to stay up with him and try to get him to be quiet so I could sleep for work. He stayed up the whole night, and came to bed when my alarm went off at 6:20 a.m!! He obviously crashed immediately after being awake for almost 24 hours!!
So today I am reminded of what a lucky girl I am. How many men do you know that would volunteer (that's right - I didn't even ask him to!) to stay up through the entire night with a crying puppy so that their fiancee could sleep?? I only know of one, and I'm proud to say that he's mine! It makes me imagine what kind of dad he's going to be when we finally have children... A great one, no doubt! :)
By midnight last night, his anesthesia from the surgery had worn off and he was experiencing some major anxiety, agitation and pain. He was bouncing all over the place sitting for a few seconds before moving a foot and sitting again. He was inconsolable and the cone was only making it worse. He wouldn't stop crying!! I finally broke down and called a 24-hour vet clinic to ask them if there was anything more I could do for him. The woman on the other end of the line told me that the anxiety was being caused both by the cone and by the anesthesia wearing off. She stated that he was awake but very disoriented, and that was making the cone seem all the more frightening. There was nothing else to be done but comfort him and let him work it out. We were worried that he would lick his stitches if we took the cone off, but we knew for certain that neither of us would get any sleep if we kept the cone on, as he would cry through the entire night. I had to work at 7:30 this morning, and I would be teaching an 8-hour class, so not getting any sleep was NOT an option for me. J, being the wonderful, considerate fiance that he is, volunteered to stay up with him and try to get him to be quiet so I could sleep for work. He stayed up the whole night, and came to bed when my alarm went off at 6:20 a.m!! He obviously crashed immediately after being awake for almost 24 hours!!
So today I am reminded of what a lucky girl I am. How many men do you know that would volunteer (that's right - I didn't even ask him to!) to stay up through the entire night with a crying puppy so that their fiancee could sleep?? I only know of one, and I'm proud to say that he's mine! It makes me imagine what kind of dad he's going to be when we finally have children... A great one, no doubt! :)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
I love my mom...
My mom's birthday always makes me reflect on my relationship with my mother and how it has changed over the years. When I was a really little girl, she was the one who made my entire life function the way that it should. It was just her and I for years when I was really, really young, and I think that mindset stuck for my entire life. We watched I Love Lucy while I watched a remote bounce on her belly from my baby brother kicking before he was born. She picked my clothes and loved me unconditionally. She made school happen, she made amazing food magically appear out of thin air. She made spoons from the kitchen into shovels for the yard, she understood why I loved Barbie, and posted all of my scribbled art and school work on the fridge proudly. She curled my bangs and let me paint her toenails, she made thousands of cookies, brownies, rice krispie treats and popcorn balls for my classes and took me shopping for school clothes.
As I got older, she was there to drive me to meet with my friends. She listened to me recite essays for school the night before they were due, and taught me how to shave my legs. She let me pierce my ears and showed me how to put on eyeshadow, mascara and lip gloss. Every time I cried because a boy was mean to me, she was there. Every time I fought with a friend, she was there. Every time my little brother drove me to the very brink of insanity, she was there.
As I grew even older, she attempted to teach me to drive a manual (along with the support of my grandma), and she took me to take my drivers test. She waited up for me when I missed curfew, and there to dry my tears when I got my first speeding ticket. She met boyfriend after boyfriend, and cried when I graduated high school. She cried even harder as I pulled out of our driveway for the last time, and drove myself all the way to Boise for college. She came to visit me in all of my tiny little apartments that I've held over the years, and she indulged every relationship I pursued. And when I experienced a broken heart to top them all, I ran home. Curled up on my mom's bed, with my head on her shoulder, I cried as freely and openly as I needed to. There was no judgement. And after, she poured me a glass of wine and we watched Friends, episode after episode until I felt like myself again.
And now, just as she always has been, she is by my side every day, even from hundreds of miles away. Infinitely supportive and loving, she listens as I vent about work, about friends, about fights and housework. She supports me, and keeps me grounded. She loves me and reminds me of how lucky I am to have the wonderful life that I do. Funnily enough, I am certain that I would not have the amazing life that I do without her guidance, love and support. She is my mother, my friend, my mentor and my therapist. I appreciate her for all she has ever been and all she is to me every day. Some day, my children will love her just as much as I do, and she will once again experience the first Christmases, frosting cookies, bruised knees and graduations from kindergarten and college. She will be just as amazing at being a grandmother as she has always been at being a mother. And I know that I will be a great mother because I have the best role model I could have ever hoped for.
Happy Birthday, mom!! I love and appreciate you more than ever!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Time flies when you're having fun...
This weekend has been a complete and total blur. We moved on Friday and it's been nothing but shopping for the stuff we didn't know we needed, and unpacking and organizing and sorting through things for the past 3 days. It has been completely wonderful, though. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Today I am headed back to work after being off yesterday, and all I want to do is stay home and continue unpacking and organizing. Making today even harder is the fact that my amazing fiance, J, took the whole week off of work. As I've mentioned before, we don't always get to spend the most time with each other during the week. So knowing that he'll be home when I'm not is killing me. I'd love to have that extra time with him. So many new things have come into our lives this weekend!! New house, new washer and dryer, new refrigerator, new decorations for the house, new furniture, new dishes, new silverware!! I'm still adjusting...
Last night, H came over with another good friend, E. E moved away a few years ago, and we've all missed her terribly so I was thrilled that she was in town and that I was going to get to see her and she was going to get to see me, J, Huck and the house! We were all sitting in our living room enjoying fruity cocktails and snacking on raspberries when she said to me that our house felt very "grown up". I secretly relished in this moment! As I described before, I have this overwhelming need to make this home into the home I've always wanted to have but has always been outside of my reach. I've always wanted a home that was coordinated, well put-together, clean and most importantly - comfortable. Success!! The house is coming along beautifully. I can't wait to have more family and friends come and visit so that they can share in our excitement. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy, secure, calm and excited all at once!! I'm so enjoying the smallest things, from doing the dishes at the sink under the window that overlooks my dog playing in the yard, to planting flowers in my new planter, to watching J's face as he gets excited when the surround sound speakers finally work. Throughout the past few years, I've considered compiling advice for my future daughter (if I'm lucky enough to have one). I think that I would most definitely include: "It's true that you have to pay your dues to have the life that you want. If you want something, you have to go out and get it! Make it happen for yourself!! You'll never truly appreciate anything without getting your hands a little dirty."
I've paid my dues, but I wouldn't change a single one. I have a better life than I could have ever dreamed, and I appreciate it a thousand times more because of those dues.
Last night, H came over with another good friend, E. E moved away a few years ago, and we've all missed her terribly so I was thrilled that she was in town and that I was going to get to see her and she was going to get to see me, J, Huck and the house! We were all sitting in our living room enjoying fruity cocktails and snacking on raspberries when she said to me that our house felt very "grown up". I secretly relished in this moment! As I described before, I have this overwhelming need to make this home into the home I've always wanted to have but has always been outside of my reach. I've always wanted a home that was coordinated, well put-together, clean and most importantly - comfortable. Success!! The house is coming along beautifully. I can't wait to have more family and friends come and visit so that they can share in our excitement. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy, secure, calm and excited all at once!! I'm so enjoying the smallest things, from doing the dishes at the sink under the window that overlooks my dog playing in the yard, to planting flowers in my new planter, to watching J's face as he gets excited when the surround sound speakers finally work. Throughout the past few years, I've considered compiling advice for my future daughter (if I'm lucky enough to have one). I think that I would most definitely include: "It's true that you have to pay your dues to have the life that you want. If you want something, you have to go out and get it! Make it happen for yourself!! You'll never truly appreciate anything without getting your hands a little dirty."
I've paid my dues, but I wouldn't change a single one. I have a better life than I could have ever dreamed, and I appreciate it a thousand times more because of those dues.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Moving Day
Holy cow!! I can't believe that we survived moving day!! We are officially into our new home!! We started the day at 6:00 a.m. We went to pick up the Uhaul at 7:00 a.m. and everyone arrived at our townhouse to start loading aroun 8:30 a.m. We were done loading the Uhaul by around 10:30 a.m., and relaxed for a bit, and then got some lunch. We went to get the stuff out of J's mom's garage after lunch, loaded it onto another trailer and then headed to the new house. We were completely done unloading the trailer and the Uhaul into the house/garage just before 3:00 p.m. We all went our separate ways for a few hours, and then everyone came back to our house and we ate take-out and sat on the back porch listening to music and drinking a couple of beers. All in all, aside from the stress and the heat (it was almost 100 degrees yesterday), everything went fabulously. We are blessed to have some very great people in our lives who are very supportive and more than willing to sacrifice their entire Friday to support our happiness. I feel very blessed!!
Our dog and cat, Huck and Leo (respectively), are adjusting well. :) This is Huck's very first yard of his own. When he first saw the yard, he seemed so overwhelmed, and just ran and ran for the longest time! The yard at this house is what sold us on the house in general. We both really enjoy entertaining and we have alot of friends, so having a giant covered patio and a big lawn is really important for us. He's still loving the yard today. The cat is pretty relaxed, so he's not too excited, but the fact that he's been able to relax so quickly in a new house tells me that he's comfortable with the move.
We started decorating and I'm so excited about how the house is coming together!! It's so beautiful. I especially love the kitchen and the living room (those are the rooms that are the most put-together). Everything is so comfy and cute and well-matched. I'm excited to keep unpacking today. We're having a BBQ for all of those people who helped us tonight. It's going to be fun, fun, FUN! J is going to go pick up the BBQ from his mom's and we're going to blend up some margaritas and have a real good time!! I just can't get over how lucky I am, how lucky WE are to be experiencing all that we are in this stage in our lives. It's days like this that make all the other stress and worry worth it.
Our dog and cat, Huck and Leo (respectively), are adjusting well. :) This is Huck's very first yard of his own. When he first saw the yard, he seemed so overwhelmed, and just ran and ran for the longest time! The yard at this house is what sold us on the house in general. We both really enjoy entertaining and we have alot of friends, so having a giant covered patio and a big lawn is really important for us. He's still loving the yard today. The cat is pretty relaxed, so he's not too excited, but the fact that he's been able to relax so quickly in a new house tells me that he's comfortable with the move.
We started decorating and I'm so excited about how the house is coming together!! It's so beautiful. I especially love the kitchen and the living room (those are the rooms that are the most put-together). Everything is so comfy and cute and well-matched. I'm excited to keep unpacking today. We're having a BBQ for all of those people who helped us tonight. It's going to be fun, fun, FUN! J is going to go pick up the BBQ from his mom's and we're going to blend up some margaritas and have a real good time!! I just can't get over how lucky I am, how lucky WE are to be experiencing all that we are in this stage in our lives. It's days like this that make all the other stress and worry worth it.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
An Ordinary Fairytale...
Tomorrow is moving day. I can't believe it's here already!! J will be going to close on the house in just over an hour, and I'm reeling with excitement and nervousness. All this excitement has really got me thinking about my life, where I've been, where I am, where I'm going, and the journey all along the way. It's definitely been a long one. I can remember 16-year-old-me dreading going to school every day, crying over mean girls and broken hearts, wondering where the hell my life was going and whether or not I'd ever get there.
Last night, after work, I went and picked up one of my very best friends, H. She's been my friend since I was a hell-raising high schooler, and although she's a couple years younger than me, we've always had a sisterly bond. She came over to keep me company while I packed, and I rewarded her with a bottle of red wine. After the bottle had been emptied, during what she referred to later as "buzzed introspection", she said that she felt like something was missing in her life or that she was waiting for something to happen, and asked if I knew what she meant and if I'd ever felt that way. I had a revelation in that moment, and I said to her, "I don't think that there's anything missing, I don't think that there's a gaping hole that needs to be filled. I think that our brains or souls, or whatever you want to call them, give us this feeling of pain and emptiness as a motivation. It's motivation to get off our asses and go out there and look for whatever it is that we think is missing, and it's not finding the "thing" that fulfills us, it's the journey of searching that fulfills us." In a rush of my own introspection, I wondered if I had made any sense or if I was just babbling about it, but I'm still thinking about what I said. I think I said what I did because of what I've experienced in my life. When I left home for college, I was absolutely certain that within the next 4 years, I would find my purpose in life, and that I would magically transform from a girl into a woman, much like Cinderella's pumpkin magically turns into a carriage. I didn't know exactly what would happen, but damn was I excited! As I progressed through almost 5 years of college and 6-7 majors, I could feel myself changing but I wasn't sure what I was changing into. I seemed to be in a constant state of transition, but being a college student meant that I didn't really have time to look and see what I was becoming, nor did I really even know how to define it if I did look.
It's been about 8 months since I ran out of money for school. Of course I'm anxious to go back as soon as I can, but this break from school has given me some much-needed time for self-reflection. Looking back at those critical years after high school, I can see all the changes that I made and at what points they happened. I had absolutely no idea at the time that they were happening, or that the moment I was living was going to be so impactful later on. I did change from a girl to a woman, about that I was correct. But there was nothing "big" to look back on. No great, definitive moment that changed me forever. There were a series of moments. A series of tears, broken hearts, parties, failed quizzes and A+ classes. Months of barely making rent, drinking Carlo De Rossi sangria out of plastic cups, and eating Cup of Noodles because it was all I could afford the week before my paycheck. Through those experiences I learned perseverance. I learned strengh, even when I'm breaking apart. I learned that I believe I'm beautiful because that's what I believe, not because it's what someone told me. I learned how to be independent, and that sometimes that means calling my mom. I learned that life is expensive, but I've never paid a dime for the best times in my life. I know now that I will never fully understand men, but that I only really need to understand myself. I acknowledge that some of the best things that have ever happened to me came in the form of almost unbearable, excruciating pain. I discovered that I have a passion for life, and it doesn't necessarily have to have a direction all the time, or that it can have multiple directions at once. And I've learned that I will never, ever be a person who defines themselves based on their career, or how other people perceive me. I have encountered every person, challenge, sadness and joy for a reason.
Some of these things are things that I wanted to learn, and some were things that I needed to learn, but all of them came on their own. I didn't know I was learning them while it was happening. I was only aware of the qualities after I'd already obtained them.
All of these things have led me to the life I'm leading today. I feel blessed to hold the knowledge that I do, and I know that it was all of these things, these lessons, these trials and tribulations that molded me (along with the priceless guidance of my amazing family, the support network of my incredible and inspiring friends, and most recently the love of an amazing man). Sometimes I feel so lucky I can barely stand it, and there are times when I honestly believe that something has to go wrong because it's too good to be true. But then I realize that something already has gone wrong. A million and a half things have gone wrong, and that's okay. Cinderella wouldn't have been Cinderella without all the awful shit that she went through. I would not be the person I am today without all that I've experienced, and I'm so glad that I went through it all because I now have a really incredible life; a great family, awesome friends and an incredible partner in life.
So here's to you, "little sister", and to all of us who sometimes feel like life isn't really all that it's cracked up to be... here's to your pain and self-doubt, your passion and your drive. Keep going. It will get better. You're doing just fine. :)
Last night, after work, I went and picked up one of my very best friends, H. She's been my friend since I was a hell-raising high schooler, and although she's a couple years younger than me, we've always had a sisterly bond. She came over to keep me company while I packed, and I rewarded her with a bottle of red wine. After the bottle had been emptied, during what she referred to later as "buzzed introspection", she said that she felt like something was missing in her life or that she was waiting for something to happen, and asked if I knew what she meant and if I'd ever felt that way. I had a revelation in that moment, and I said to her, "I don't think that there's anything missing, I don't think that there's a gaping hole that needs to be filled. I think that our brains or souls, or whatever you want to call them, give us this feeling of pain and emptiness as a motivation. It's motivation to get off our asses and go out there and look for whatever it is that we think is missing, and it's not finding the "thing" that fulfills us, it's the journey of searching that fulfills us." In a rush of my own introspection, I wondered if I had made any sense or if I was just babbling about it, but I'm still thinking about what I said. I think I said what I did because of what I've experienced in my life. When I left home for college, I was absolutely certain that within the next 4 years, I would find my purpose in life, and that I would magically transform from a girl into a woman, much like Cinderella's pumpkin magically turns into a carriage. I didn't know exactly what would happen, but damn was I excited! As I progressed through almost 5 years of college and 6-7 majors, I could feel myself changing but I wasn't sure what I was changing into. I seemed to be in a constant state of transition, but being a college student meant that I didn't really have time to look and see what I was becoming, nor did I really even know how to define it if I did look.
It's been about 8 months since I ran out of money for school. Of course I'm anxious to go back as soon as I can, but this break from school has given me some much-needed time for self-reflection. Looking back at those critical years after high school, I can see all the changes that I made and at what points they happened. I had absolutely no idea at the time that they were happening, or that the moment I was living was going to be so impactful later on. I did change from a girl to a woman, about that I was correct. But there was nothing "big" to look back on. No great, definitive moment that changed me forever. There were a series of moments. A series of tears, broken hearts, parties, failed quizzes and A+ classes. Months of barely making rent, drinking Carlo De Rossi sangria out of plastic cups, and eating Cup of Noodles because it was all I could afford the week before my paycheck. Through those experiences I learned perseverance. I learned strengh, even when I'm breaking apart. I learned that I believe I'm beautiful because that's what I believe, not because it's what someone told me. I learned how to be independent, and that sometimes that means calling my mom. I learned that life is expensive, but I've never paid a dime for the best times in my life. I know now that I will never fully understand men, but that I only really need to understand myself. I acknowledge that some of the best things that have ever happened to me came in the form of almost unbearable, excruciating pain. I discovered that I have a passion for life, and it doesn't necessarily have to have a direction all the time, or that it can have multiple directions at once. And I've learned that I will never, ever be a person who defines themselves based on their career, or how other people perceive me. I have encountered every person, challenge, sadness and joy for a reason.
Some of these things are things that I wanted to learn, and some were things that I needed to learn, but all of them came on their own. I didn't know I was learning them while it was happening. I was only aware of the qualities after I'd already obtained them.
All of these things have led me to the life I'm leading today. I feel blessed to hold the knowledge that I do, and I know that it was all of these things, these lessons, these trials and tribulations that molded me (along with the priceless guidance of my amazing family, the support network of my incredible and inspiring friends, and most recently the love of an amazing man). Sometimes I feel so lucky I can barely stand it, and there are times when I honestly believe that something has to go wrong because it's too good to be true. But then I realize that something already has gone wrong. A million and a half things have gone wrong, and that's okay. Cinderella wouldn't have been Cinderella without all the awful shit that she went through. I would not be the person I am today without all that I've experienced, and I'm so glad that I went through it all because I now have a really incredible life; a great family, awesome friends and an incredible partner in life.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Jury Duty
J found out a couple of days ago that it would be a possibility that he would have jury duty during this week (I know, the most inconvenient week possible). Sure enough, he called in yesterday and they told him he would be needed today. So he was released from work last night around 11:30, and made it home around midnight. By that time, I was basically done packing for the night, so we just hung out together and watched bad nighttime TV in bed, and ate a bowl of ice cream. It made me realize how much I really, really miss him during the week when he's on his night shift. I miss having him around every evening to eat dinner with me, play with the puppy with me, watch a movie and cuddle, or just visit and unwind from our day. I told him how glad I was that he was home that night, and that it felt so much more normal than him not being there. He agreed, but I'm not sure if it was as impactful for him as it was for me.
Hmmm.....
Hmmm.....
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