I should be banned from the blog universe for my prolonged absence from my own. Simply unacceptable. Months....MONTHS have passed since my last post. Shame on me [slaps own wrist]. Bad girl, bad!
While I'm not making excuses, this absence is evidence of how ridiculously busy I've been this year.
Work has me going off the deep end... the right side of my brain (Q, as I believe I've referred to her before) found another job. Wonderful for her, no doubt about that. I'm ridiculously happy for her, and only a smidgen jealous. ;) Anticipating the fallout from her leave, I decided to fill her position and my own myself. Well...as the saying goes, you can't ride two horses with one ass. And it's so true. I'm buried, and it feels as unpleasant as it sounds. It's a sick kind of self-sacrifice for a company that I basically loath. My inner over-achieving perfectionist will not allow me to get off of the horse....err....horses. It's all I can do to keep up.
The rest of my time has been dedicated to the wedding. My anxiety is increasing in general, peppered with sharp spikes of panic that make me feel as if I'm completely out of control and as if I haven't spent the past 14 months planning and organizing. Last week I met with Miss Q, who just so happens to also be our wedding coordinator. We scoured our to-do lists, making notes and hashing out details and responsibilities. In the conclusion of this conversation, Q set her pen down and said, "We really don't have anything to do! We're basically done!" This was a sentence I couldn't relate to on any level. But in truth, we really are basically done. Caterer: check. DJ: check. Photography: check. Cake: check. Rentals: check. Dress: check. Tuxedos: check. Bridal parties: check. Check check check check check check check. My life is covered in check marks. Really all we have left to do is pick music, make favors, finish making decorations and write our vows.
I'm deeply troubled by my vows. Actually...scratch that. I'm deeply troubled by my LACK of vows and all things vow-writing ability. I've tried and tried and there's nothing to show for it. How on Earth and I supposed to fit into ONE measly little minute all that I vow and feel for my beloved? How does anyone do that?? I want it to be funny but serious. Sweet but real. I only get to say this once. I want to say it right. I suppose one way or another, once I'm standing up there, I'll have to say something. I mean...something will come out... won't it?? Unless I freeze...no, no, no... I can't even think of that.
I'm just holding my breath for Mexico. I think of it every day. The warmth, the sun, the waves, the sand, the complete and utter lack of cell phone reception. I am going to spend every single day relishing in the peace, quiet and love. I'm going to stare at my handsome new husband and soak up the silence inside my head in the space that was so recently inhabited by flowers, toasts and up-do's. I'm going to come back from Mexico, blissfully in love and ready for an olympian dive into the holiday season.
One way or another, I'm telling myself, as is everyone else around me who has to deal with my incoherent wedding babbling, that I'll survive. As much as it sounds like I'm drowning in this process, I really am enjoying every piece of it. Even in all this stress, I know that it is an experience that I will never forget. I am grateful for all of the people who are making this experience possible. Even in the stress of it all, I am loving it. It really is something I've always dreamed of...and something I'm only planning on doing once.
For now, I'm soothing my soul by staying up far past my bedtime with one one of my favorite movies of all time... You've Got Mail. :)
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